Red
by Wisegirl6
Summary: "How many times do I have to say it? I'm sorry! Alright? I'm sorry." He turned, ready to accept Merlin's apology, only to see his shaking form cross the threshold and close the door behind him. Just a moment too late. They found Merlin's body at the foot of the west tower the following morning. Inspired by the song by Taylor Swift.


**Okay, I know I promised that I wouldn't post this story until I had finished it completely, but the pull was too strong. This is my first sort of 'death-fic' so I apologize in advance if it comes off as too out of character or is completely cheesy. Drop me a PM and I swear I will try and fi it.**

**So you know how I just said 'death-fic'? Well, this is not a death fic, it's just a regular story that prefers pretending to be a death fic. So all of the angst but none of the fatality! Cheers to that! **

**And it will have a sequel when I can get around to finishing this one and then writing the next installment. **

**Well, that's it, I'm finished. **

**Wisegirl6**

* * *

Red

Chapter 1 ~Red

Gaius had been very angry at Merlin. But he wasn't anymore, he couldn't be mad after what had happened. He didn't even remember what they had been fighting about. He hoped whatever the reason it had been important.

The old man remembered Merlin apologizing to him, practically begging Gaius to speak to him again, while Gaius listened stoically and gave no response to show that he had even heard.

They found Merlin's body at the foot of the west tower the following morning.

* * *

"I still don't understand why we have to be here," Gwaine complained quietly, not wanting to wake the villagers in the houses nearest the knights. "I mean, just think of all of the drinks I could have had by now. Three tankards at the least!"

Leon rolled his eyes, while Elyan shot a look at Percival. The knights of the round table were much too used to Gwaine's endless talk of taverns and bar-fights to be surprised by it.

"Come on, Gwaine, it could have been worse," Elyan offered, punching him lightly on the shoulder.

"Yeah," Percival agreed. "At least you've got us. Arthur could have partnered you up with Sir Phillip or Cadmus."

The party of knights chortled, excluding Gwaine. Him and Phillip and Cadmus had gotten into a 'minor disagreement' at the tavern a few weeks ago, and Gwaine's mood darkened considerably whenever it was mentioned.

They were supposed to be patrolling, but Leon had stopped thinking of it like that. Nothing ever happened anyways. Arthur always paired this group together for that very reason. If the knights had to patrol, they might as well have some fun while doing it.

It was a warm evening, perfect conditions for a walk around the castle. Clouds covered the sky, blocking out the moon.

The group rounded the bend, coming up to the west tower.

Leon froze suddenly, sensing something in the shadows. Silently, he held up a hand, quieting his rowdy comrades. They slowly crept frowards, Leon at the front and Gwaine following at the rear.

The senior knight squinted in the darkness, trying to make out the crumpled shape. His heart thumped wildly in his chest, anticipating an attack.

That's when he saw the blood.

It was still too dark to make out much, but Leon recognized the deep dark stains on the ground. He'd seen too many battles.

"Its a body," he said clearly, startling the other knights. Leon knew whoever they were they were already dead, there was too much blood already on the cobbles.

Suddenly, the moon revealed itself, casting light onto the lifeless form.

It was Merlin.

His eyes were glassy and wide open, staring at nothing. Half-dried blood caked his face, starting by his hairline and snaking down across his eyes and nose. His skin was deathly pale, ivory like bone. Raven hair plastered itself to his head, sticky with blood.

The knights all saw it at the same time, but Gwaine was the one who reached the servant first. Before anyone could even comprehend what they weee seeing, the tavern-loving knight was already at Merlin's side, desprately checking for a pulse.

But he found none. "No!" he cried desprately. "Merlin, you hear me? Merlin, mate, you need to wake up! Merlin!" Gwaine pulled Merlin's body into his arms, revolted at how easily the broken body yielded to it's movements. Merlin wasn't dead. _Merlin couldn't be dead!_

His hands were wet with red blood. _Merlin's blood. He was dead. _The thought was too much for Gwaine and he lost it, sobbing uncontollably into his friend's chest and trying to shield him from the other knights, who were attempting to pull him away from his body.

"Gwaine. Gwaine, you need to let go. There's nothing we can do for him now," said Percival, his own voice weak with sorrow. "Elyan, help me."

Gwen's brother dropped to his knees beside Gwaine and Percival. He tried to pry him off of Merlin's body, but it was no use. Gwaine wouldn't be letting go any time soon.

Leon stared on in shock. This couldn't be happening. He had spoken to Merlin not hours ago. He had seemed fine then, slightly jittery and anxious, but definitely not up to jumping off of a tower.

The thought struck Leon like a bag of bricks. Merlin had _jumped. _He had commited suicide. Before tonight, Leon would have never even put the words 'Merlin' and 'suicide' together in a sentence. The servant was always so happy; always with a smile on his face, why would he do this?

Elyan and Percival had finally manged to get Gwaine away from Merlin. Percival held Gwaine to his chest, where the knight was still struggling against his grip as he tried to get back to his friend.

"No," he said weakly, tears falling like rain.

"I'm sorry Gwaine, but we need to bring his body back to Gaius," Elyan consoled his friend, his own voice cracking.

Gwaine slumped against Percival, all of his strength gone. He gazed at Merlin wistfully, as if he wished that the servant would just wake up already. He leaned into Percival's shoulder as he cried, not ashamed in the least at his show of weakness. Merlin was worth it.

"I-I guess me and Leon will bring him into the castle." Elyan began to lift Merlin's body from the ground.

Gwaine looked up, somewhat coherent now. "No, wait," he begged, worming his way out of Percival's death grip.

The knights watched as Gwaine unfastened his cape and draped it over Merlin's body like a shroud.

"He was more loyal then all of us," he remarked tearfully, barely managing to get the words out through the lump in his throat. "Merlin deserves better than this."

Gwaine watched sadly as Elyan and Leon took off, the Pendragon red of the shroud matching that of the blood on his hands.

* * *

Gaius was waiting for Merlin when Leon and Elyan arrived at his chambers, carrying a wrapped body with them.

The old man regretted not accepting Merlin's apology when he had the chance. His ward had sounded so desperate, so pleading that it had punched holes right through Gaius' resolve. But he waited a second too long. Merlin was out the door and down the hall before the physician could even turn around.

That's why he was still awake and awaiting the return of his ward when he should have been in bed. Gaius didn't think much of the fact that Merlin hadn't shown up yet, he liked to clear his head when things were troubling him. Most likely he'd gone to the lake of Avalon or somewhere to meet Kilgharrah the dragon to let off some steam.

But something didn't sit well with Gaius, something didn't feel right. Merlin had been acting strange the past few days. Mind, he wasn't talking to Gaius much because of their fight, but the old man could tell that his ward was slightly on edge for reasons he hadn't shared with his mentor. It was that strange feeling that kept Gaius up waiting for Merlin well beyond the hour he should have been.

The full moon was high in the sky by the time a knock rang out in the large room. "Come in," said Gauis, who was hoping for it to be his ward so that he could apologize.

But it wasn't Merlin who walked into the messy phsyician's chambers, it was instead sirs Leon and Elyan, carrying with them something large and cloaked in red and gold. Both men looked uncharacteristically serious, the first sign to Gaius that something was horribly wrong.

His eyes landed on the wrapped thing they carried with them. And just like that it clicked in the old man's head. He stared dumbly at the body. "No," he managed to say after a long few moments. _Merlin._

The knights' pitying looks were confirmation enough.

Gaius fell into a chair, staring straight ahead without seeing anything. His mind tried desperately to deny what was staring him in the face: Merlin, who he loved like a son, was dead.

Elyan brought Merlin's body into the room and laid it gently on the unoccupied patient's cot. He didn't bother removing the Camelot cape, Gwaine probably wouldn't want it back after this; he would need to get another one.

The older knight shuffled awkwardly at the door."We found him by the west tower. It..." Leon faltered. He knew what he was about to say could possibly break the old man. Nobody wanted to think of their loved ones as suicidal. "It looked, I mean, it was...We think he jumped Gaius, off of the tower."

Gaius' face crumpled, his gaze unable to leave Merlin's still body. No, he wouldn't do that, Merlin wasn't that type of person. The energetic, happy young man he knew wouldn't take his own life. Not like that.

The knights exchanged a look. The raw emotion and sorrow on the physicain's face was too personal, it felt as if they were intruding on an intimate moment. They both made for the door, Leon turning back before he could shut it. "I'm sorry, Gaius, I really am. Merlin was loved by a lot of people, and he will be sorely missed."

With that the two mourning knights departed from the room, sighing sadly as they descended the stairs. Merlin didn't deserve this, Gwaine was right.

Gaius stared at the cloaked body of his ward. The physician was brought bodies quite frequently, sometimes by mourning families who wished to know the cause of death and sometimes by guards who wanted the old man to investigate possible uses of sorcery. Gaius never thought that one day the body he was brought would be Merlin's.

His hands shook as he tentatively reached for the red shroud. Gaius knew whatever this cape covered, he would remember it for the rest of his life. He much would have preferred not to look at all, to pretend Merlin wasn't dead, just away for a while and the body in the cot was just some stranger.

But Gaius couldn't do that. As much as he wanted his last memory of his ward to be the smiling, clumsy boy he knew so well, he couldn't leave him like this; he couldn't ignore what was staring him in the face.

He drew back the shroud, gasping once he saw what it covered.

Merlin's face was pale, alarmingly so. It blended into the whites of his eyes, making his blue irises stand out grotesquely against the ivory and red. And there was _so much _blood. Dark red stained his hair and face, the rich colour dragging attention to the lack thereof in his skin.

The old man's head fell into his hands. _Merlin was dead. _

Dead. The word seemed to foreign to Gaius now. He'd seen enough death to last a lifetime, as a physician and a survivor of the purge, but it had never seemed so horrible, so heartbreaking, until now.

He had failed. The one job he had was to look after Merlin. Make sure that he wasn't caught and tried for sorcery, or killed while protecting the king. And while Gaius could protect Merlin from the majority of that danger, or at least help him along, it wasn't any of that that had killed Merlin.

It had been himself. Merlin had taken his own life, for reasons Gaius couldn't even imagine. In a way it had been _Gaius' fault. _

Merlin and Gaius had been fighting. Hours later he kills himself. It wasn't a hard situation to figure out. _He _had driven Merlin into doing this. _He _was the reason that Merlin's body was lying only half uncovered in Gaius' chambers.

Thick tears began to race down his face. He reached out and grasped Merlin's cold hand in both of his. "I'm so sorry, my boy. _I'm so sorry." _With those words Gaius' resolve crumbled. More than anything he wished he could have taken back everything he hadn't said to Merlin, everything he _should _have said to him.

* * *

Leon and Elyan resolved not to tell Arthur about Merlin until the next morning. The king was likely sleeping, and, as the saying goes, ignorance is bliss. Instead they sent George to attend to Arthur's needs in the morning, ignoring all mention of the king's real manservant for the time being.

But they beagn to regret the decision later the next morning, Arthur's chipper mood clashing horribly with that of the knights. It just seemed so wrong to see someone happy when another had just claimed his own life.

The knight shifted anxiously, his breath coming out in short, panicked bursts. Leon had volunteered to break the news to Arthur about Merlin, he had known the king for much longer after all. So here he was, 'delivering important documents' to the king, just after breakfast time.

"Leon, can you send Merlin up? He's probably fast asleep, no doubt tired from a night of drinking at the tavern!" The king laughed, sealing another document with the royal seal. The documents he was signing needed to be brought down to Geoffrey for archiving as soon as possible, something which the king needed Merlin to do.

His heart pounded in his ears. Leon had fought in many battles, but no foe had ever made him this nervous. "Well, sire, about Merlin..."

Arthur immediately looked up, something in the knight's tone setting off warning bells in his mind. He fought down the feeling of impending doom and instead putting all of his effort into calmly pressing his ring into the hot wax on the page. Nothing was wrong, everything was fine. You said so yourself, Merlin's probably just still hungover from his time drinking and unable to work today.

"What about Merlin?" he asked nonchanlantly. He tried not to let his voice give any hints about how worried he was becoming.

"We found him last night, me and the knights that is, on our patrol through the grounds and the upper town. Arthur," Leon said seriously, the sorrow in his voice earning Arthur's full attention instantaneously. "Merlin jumped off of the tower last night. He took his own life."

Leon said more, but Arthur didn't hear him. The only noise the king heard was a faint buzzing, increasing in volume until it drowned everything else out.

The single thought racing through Arthur's mind was _'No.'_

He immediately stood, only to have his legs give out beneath him. "No, you're lying. He's not dead. Merlin can't be dead!" Arthur cried desperately, leaning on his desk to support his weight. "And he wouldn't do _that. _He wouldn't kill himself, Leon, he wouldn't."

The knight looked sympathetic. "I'm sorry, Arthur." Leon rushed forwards to help his king stand.

Arthur numbly accepted the help. Leon was lying. He _had _to be. Arthur could no longer fathom life without his servant. No, his best friend; servant was too small a word to describe how Arthur felt about Merlin. Arthur trusted Merlin above everyone else, spent more time with him than anyone else. Merlin couldn't just be gone.

"No, you're lying," he repeated, pushing Leon away once he was in control of his legs. He needed proof, more than just a knight's word.

Before Leon could protest Arthur was at the door, rapidly vanishing around the frame. "Arthur!" he called frantically, hoping his voice of reason would help Arthur see sense.

But the king wasn't listening. He was in a state of adrenaline that was induced by a mix of shock and pain, focused only on the task at hand. He didn't have any time for reason now, he needed to get to Merlin.

So Arthur resumed his trek to Gaius' chambers, not even slowing when he neared the entrance. The door hit the opposite wall with a crash as the king entered the room just as abruptly.

The sight that greeted him was one of nightmares. The room was dim, lit only by the small amount of sun peeking through the clouds. Gaius sat in a chair next to the patient's cot, looking surprised at the royal's sudden appearance. But the one thing that drew Arthur's eye was the body on the bed, cloaked by a red Camelot cape. A brown-garbed arm dangled in the air, having fallen from Merlin's side by the jolt from the slammed door.

Arthur knew that arm too well.

"Sire!" gasped Gaius, struggling from his chair to intercept him before he made it to the body. The king was in shock, that much was clear to the physician. "Arthur, please. You're in shock. You shouldn't be here now, you need to sit down."

His pleas fell on ignorant ears. Arthur stumbled forwards to the cot, his knees giving out on him once he was next to it. The king's mind was numb, like he'd been left outside in the cold for too long and then brought back into the warmth much too suddenly. Merlin was dead. Merlin was _dead. Merlin was dead._

Arthur grasped the limp hand tightly, like a child would cling to their mother. Tears fell steadily from his eyes and a sob escaped from his clenched mouth. Then the rest followed. Arthur thought it was likely that he would drown in his own tears, well, that is if he could breathe around the sobbing.

The king sat brokenly at his servant's bedside, the true gravity of Merlin's death still lost on him.

Gaius stood behind Arthur, fruitlessly trying to comfort the grieving man.

"I'm so sorry, Merlin," Arthur whispered softly. He could feel the blood still on his servant's lifeless hand, almost dry.

There must have been a mistake. Someone was joking with him. Because his friend couldn't have done this to himself.

* * *

**Don't worry, folks, we get to see more of depressed Arthur and sad Gwaine in the next chapter. I'll post the last two once I finish the final chapter, which could unfortunately take awhile.**

**If anyone is still interested in Wayward, I won't be able to update because my beta's computer is being repaired and I'm too scared to post anything else for that story without her. **

**I still have polls on the profile, people. OH and I got Tumblr, so follow me if you're bored (also in my profile)**

**See ya soon!**

**Wisegirl6**


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